Before sharing, I was sincerely thinking about why this journey has been different and why I’m even on in in the first place. I’m going to be really honest, so I hope you bear with me.
Growing up, I never had a weight problem. Well, I was underweight so I guess that was a weight problem. I had my daughter at 21 and made it within a healthy weight but after I had my son, I was overweight. I’m 5’1” and weighed approximately 155 at the time. I was sad and depressed and for a while, I didn’t do anything to lose it.
When I finally decided I wanted to lose weight, I went from a size 16 to an 8. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long and my yo yo dieting and weight fluctuating began. I’m realizing now that the fluctuating was due not only to bad habits, but emotional eating. Fighting with my husband, my terrible teen (at the time), being laid off, etc. all affected my food choice and also, I’m realizing, my worthiness to lose the weight and be healthy.
But, during the past two years, I’ve had no issues. I’ve been happy and at peace but I still couldn’t seem to lose the weight. Each time I started to lose and saw a difference in my body, I subconsciously sabotaged myself. I knew what I was doing but couldn’t stop. Even my husband couldn’t motivate me to stick with it. When I saw Jen Hudson lose all that weight, I was disappointed in myself. If she could do it, why couldn’t I??
Well, after watching the latest episode of Iyanla: Fix My Life, I had my “aha” moment. The youngest daughter told Iyanla she couldn’t understand why she didn’t lose weight and Iyanla helped her to see it was because deep, deep down, the fat was shielding her from gaining the confidence to find someone, get married and have children. The daughter admitted she was scared that she'd turn into her mom; the mom failed to protect her from the stepfather who was abusing her and her sister.
That’s when it hit me. My weight loss journey is different this time because I finally had the courage to confront (one of) my abuser’s mom. This woman’s son and his friends abused me and other neighborhood girls from 2nd to 6th grade. The mom told me 15 years ago that it was “my fault” and I had been holding on to that for years. It angered me all this time but still, the child in me owned what she said. Because really, if she didn’t help me and my mom didn’t help me, then it had to be my fault, right? Oh, and not to mention that this was the SECOND STATE where I was abused! I had been abused from K to 1st grade by family friends and neighbors in DC. So, when my mom moved me to NJ and I was abused there, I just knew that it had to be my fault.
But this past year, I’ve had the courage to speak up and challenge the accusation. I wrote her a letter and she called me. She, of course, said she never said that, but we talked for some time about everything that happened. When I hung up the phone, I felt like a brand new person even though she denied it. It was Christmas, I was about 155 but I immediately felt lighter. I felt like I could do anything. I got serious about my weight loss journey and when I felt like I was slipping up, I joined Weight Watchers. I’m committed to my workout schedule and only life has prevented me running or taking classes.
I say all this to say: if you are struggling with weight loss and you can't express it verbally, take some time and write it out. You may find a subconscious, underlying reason why you keep starting over. You can only get over something once you face it.
